on being alone (and learning to love it).
At this moment I'm sitting at the Four Seasons Ko'Olina eating a fancy AF three course meal. And I'm alone. Well, technically, not ALONE, but I'm by myself. At my own table in a packed restaurant. Just a few days after Christmas, the place is teeming with families, newlyweds, anniversaries, lovers. And I'm here too, alone.
Even just a year ago, I wouldn't have been caught dead in this situation. Perpetually afraid of what others were thinking of me, dining alone was out of the question - especially at a place like I am right now. Sure, I was down to grab a quick salad at lunch and quickly down it at a small table by myself in the 20 glorious minutes I was away from my desk, but that was about it. Today, my fears of what others are thinking have absolutely not subsided; it's something I work on every. single. day. But slowly through the years those fears have taken a back seat to the solace I take in having time to myself. Time away from the stress of having to entertain whomever I'm sitting at dinner with. Time away from any obligation to another person. And on a great day, time away from my phone, and therefore work, family (love you), friends (love you too). I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought once tonight about if others are looking at me, staring, wondering what I'm doing alone. Because I have, more than once. But I'd also be lying if I said I thought it mattered. What matters is that I know why I'm here, that I'm here (just, in general), and that, in this moment, I'm content. (Although to be honest, my dessert just came out and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't judging myself, because I am, and I think this piece of cake was actually made for a family of three, not me).
As a single girl that travels a lot for work, being alone is something I've had to get used to through the years, and it's something I've slowly, finally, started to embrace. Sometimes, it fucking sucks. But other times, like in this moment, it's the best chance I get to sit back, relax, and realize that everything is going to be ok.